He wants to “Wait & See”

I just received a call from a father (Darren W.) In Pennsylvania. He has two children, both teenagers, and has been separated from his family for three weeks when his wife moved them out and informed him that she would be in contact. So far he has not seen his children, though he has spoken to them a few times. He has a phone number, but no address. He has been repeatedly calling to ask to see the kids. The mother has been in contact with a woman’s shelter and has said that she has the paperwork to file a restraining order, but will only do so if he causes her any problems. As yet she has been unwilling to go to counseling, but she has been coming to see him for sex.

As you can see, there is a few problems here. Not the least of which that by having sex with her, she could turn around and claim rape. He remains in a ‘Wait & See’ mode, figuring that as long as he does nothing things will get better. He thinks that even joining a father’s group is acknowledging that it will not get better. I did tell him to:

  1. Stop having sex with her;
  2. Contact the courts and learn whether anything has already been filed;
  3. Get into counseling and ask her to join him;
  4. Stop calling so frequently;
  5. Start keeping a daily journal;
  6. Learn what Pennsylvania laws are on tape recording conversations; and
  7. Write a short note to the kids, and have to put in the Personals section of the local paper.

Beyond that, he is like a lot of fathers who wait and see until they find themselves hip deep in trouble. Though there may not be much he can do now, short of being the first to file, but he can be gaining knowledge in preparation for the possibility that she files. But like I said before, he believes that is acknowledging defeat. I just hope that he does not call us a year from now, already been through the divorce, and than wants to learn what to do. Is it any wonder why most of my calls come from women, calling because they know a man has been raked over the coals, but was unwilling to ask for help himself?